just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize