i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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