I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
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