I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Randomize
