I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
