I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
