Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
