Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize