just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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