the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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