well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
