Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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