I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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