I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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