Sponge bath it is.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
