Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
