how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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