Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize