So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
