My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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