I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
