I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
