i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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