I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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