Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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