I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
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