If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
