god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
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