thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
