i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Randomize
