so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize