Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
