I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Success! We fucked roommates!
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
