He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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