Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
