sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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