i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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