at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
