the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
