It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Sext me about skeletons
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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