He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
There's a naked man in my car right now.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
