Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
