just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
he thought i was a dude.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
