I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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