My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
