omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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