please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
