I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
We don't watch enough power rangers
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
