dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
