Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
