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• (734): View more from Michigan

  I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.

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• (203): View more from Connecticut

  When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.

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• (916): View more from California

  So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?

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• (319): View more from Iowa

  the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler

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• (203): View more from Connecticut

  we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.

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• (904): View more from Florida

  My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones

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• (925): View more from California

  I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom

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• (314): View more from Missouri

  Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.

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• (661): View more from California

  First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.

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• (978): View more from Massachusetts

  If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.

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• (734): View more from Michigan

  Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.

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• (678): View more from Georgia

  Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night

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• (914): View more from New York

  i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture

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• (386): View more from Florida

  He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.

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• (206): View more from Washington

  Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.

  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.

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