ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
