Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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