I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Randomize
