Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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