i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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