I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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