I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
