Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
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