i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
