I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize