Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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