my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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