So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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